We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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