I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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