tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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