I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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