The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
