Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
