oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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