Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
