There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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