the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
