my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
