Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
