I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
