i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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