if i died would you start the facebook group?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
