if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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