Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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