I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
