dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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