i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
