I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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