my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
