There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
