i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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