Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
