youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
