i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
