If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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