Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
