Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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