I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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