Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize