Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
