I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
