I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
