I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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