Where is the hickey?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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