I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
