I cannot find my penis.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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