Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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