She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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