I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
