he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
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