God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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