quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
