it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
