i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
