I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
did you just send me my own nude
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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