I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
