You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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