seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
