Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
