She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
