You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
