i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
