This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
