You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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