Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
