i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
